This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
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After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Very good news from my accountant
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.