11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?