I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.