My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?