trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The game has officially changed 😎
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
nice challenge
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.