Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!