I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
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Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
🙅🏻
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS