Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
You Might Also Like
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears