Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
You Might Also Like
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
When you’re here for the treats.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}