ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back