Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Me :
All Day At Night
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.