[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.