I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
You Might Also Like
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING