I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
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WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Chicken bread
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
When someone trying to leave me
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.