I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics