Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded