Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
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I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
These 3D printers are insane!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.