“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
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DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Just me and my debit card against the world
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Put the is in disheveled
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”