[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
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Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.