While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. š
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On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Apparently, saying āWow, youāve grown since I last saw youā isnāt deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
When someone explains why theyāre late, I tell them I donāt buy it and make intense eye contact.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldnāt find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see youāve all been doing a good job without me.
Some of yāall tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEYāRE CALLED HEADPHONES
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say āoh I see you have a sāmores makerā.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. Thatād be gross.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my āprofessionalā roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, canāt find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THATāS WHO.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Me: Donāt worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Letās continue this argument later on when Iām alone in the shower and youāre not there to defend yourself