some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
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My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?