taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
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It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming