putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.