sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.