Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You Might Also Like
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.