Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
You Might Also Like
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
boat question
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Lmfaoooooo
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Who did it better?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad: