How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???