just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic