Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
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Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Batman v Dracula
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?