glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I’m crying im so happy for them