My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Bit chilly again tonight.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*