I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
What about second breakfast?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]