BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
You Might Also Like
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35