*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
They say women only use 10% of their anger
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes