Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”