Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.