Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.