Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
my proudest tweet
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.