If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Awesome parenting 😂
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with