[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
We’re all getting idioter.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.