a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.