I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
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Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die