What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean