Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
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I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.