Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too