Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
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gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
2022 will be better than 2021
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.