[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???