How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
mariah carrie
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me