My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
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me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”