Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
You Might Also Like
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn鈥檛 handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we鈥檒l probably eventually evolve to fly.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
[date]
Her: I鈥檓 a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
If my fingers don鈥檛 motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they鈥檙e going to split
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
馃槀馃惥
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[during fight]
him: I鈥檒l cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it鈥檚 you I don鈥檛 like.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I鈥檝e hired her as my personal assistant